Crimson Butterflies
by DocEmmettLBrown
Summary: This is a sad fiction about Raiden's thoughts of his life, his attemptive suicide and finally Snake's dealing with Raiden's depression. Not a death fiction, but contains Yaoi. Please read and review!


_A/n: Sorry if this is random, or if you don't like this fiction. I tried my hardest and this fiction is just something I thought I should try. I am not very good at first person POV. But I am going to try anyways so I can practice and because Excellent! Heh… like that'll ever happen…_

**Warnings: **Before you read this, please note: This fiction has slight mention of Yaoi themes, it is angsty and contains attemptive suicide. My grammar and spelling sometimes lack, and for that I apologize. Some characters may by OOC, but otherwise than that. You have been warned!

**Crimson Butterflies**

_**Chapter 1: Soaring**_

I don't know what makes me think, or what makes me feel in any way human. But all I know, is that I was born as such, born too two dead parents, birthed on the battle field. I have been told over and over that I was not much worth anything. Forced to kill, and forced to survive. Yet now I wonder what ever drove me to do what I had done.

I remember clearly the day I had met my ex-wife. We were so happy then, so untainted by my future jobs, so untainted by the world. Then I had to do my mission, I had to accept the Big Shell incident so readily. I hadn't even thought how it would have affected Rose.

It was hard on me, as well I know it was hard on her. I was gone for a entire day, recapped and then put into action. It was a scary time for me, and I know it was very scary for her. But I didn't give up on us, she did. I thought love was real, you weren't suppose to give up on the other in situations they couldn't control.

But she did, and she asked me to leave 3 days after my return. Gone. I never knew what happened to my unborn child. Was he having a good life, not making as much mistakes as I have? Or did she place him for adoption, giving him a life as close to mine as she could possibly muster.

I guess this isn't much about Rose, as it is about me. I shake my head gripping tightly the small instrument I held firmly in my hand. And what about the legendary Solid Snake and his computer intelligent sidekick Otocon? I couldn't say I could remember where they had gone, or what they were doing. Snake told me his never ending search for other Metal gears, so they probably were off on some secret mission far away.

Oh how I wish I could be there with him, grasping my gun and shooting beside him. I realize now I feared nothing in his presence, I felt no shame no regret. I felt truly happy, like I had when I first met Rose. But it was impossible to have my fantasy a reality. Even if Snake thought of me as something the same as I did for him, he was far too busy to be concerned with me. A stupid worthless unwanted girlish kid!

I clenched my teeth as I allowed the thoughts penetrate my mind. I could feel the sting of all too familiar tears build at the corners of my eyes. Today would be the day I would no longer care to be around. I would make every one happy, by just ridding the world of my life sucking presence.

I leaned forward, holding out firmly my right wrist I saw the pulsing of my veins through the thinness of my thinned arm. I knew I hadn't eaten in nearly 3 days, it brought up my chance to not survive. I smiled as I let the light glimmer sharply off the blade of the knife, bringing it greedily down upon the soft flesh.

My arm twitched, nearly causing me to pull back, but I held firmly and slowly cut watching my life stream fall slowly to the sink. It felt surprisingly good, my heart pounded as its contents of luscious red liquid evaded the white of my hotel sink. I looked to my other trembling arm, taking the thin instrument with my injured hand and slowly repeated the process to the other.

I could feel it, my emotional pain, my world was starting to fall num. The pain I felt was gone, replaced by relief and happiness. For once, I finally was able to be happy. Just as most other operatives could find their happiness, dying was mine.

Flashes of Fortunes death danced in my head at my final thought, how ironic that she had wished death as I have. Now both of us were given the treat, maybe I could meet up with her in the after life? We could talk of our pains, our sorrows and connect as two new friends should.

I felt my head become dizzy, my thoughts slowly slurred as I saw clearly every smiling face of every person I had met. Somehow my mind was trying desperately to show me that I had made them happy too, but it was too late. I smiled laying my head back, allowing my head to over come with a swirling darkness. But a glimpse of something unknown brought me from the soon to be slumber.

It moved slowly, flapping beautiful crimson wings as if taken flight on the drift of a warm draft. It was gorgeous and was soon followed by its friends. A butterfly caught strangely in the confines of my bathroom. I made to stand, but felt no response and could only stare. Watching as each in turn would disintegrate and then be replaced by a new.

At times they flew closer, filling by body with a wanting need. I tried to reach up, but failed to grab at it. My pained arm refused further movement, and seemed to want to lay still at my side. I closed my eyes, allowing the world about me to be filled with darkness. I wanted this, and I could feel myself practically join the butterfly's in their flight… To fly away from the hurts of the world, like the coward that I am.

_A/n: TBC… of course, I hope you enjoyed this ficcy! Please read and review for another chapter! Thank you!_


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